Here is a fact, people don't make eye contact. They should and they do look at each other, but they look away when the other person looks back. Look at the commuters on a subway platform or in a subway carriage. They look at anything except each other. They use devices such as ads and books and papers so that they don't look at each other. Why? Because when we look at each other and make eye contact something very personal happens. It is as if we can see inside each other and see what they are thinking. It is the opening to a conversation. Looking at strangers is a personal introduction.
Good, I am glad we have that out of the way. Because if we accept that we need to look at strangers to introduce ourselves, why then do we find ourselves not able to look people we find attractive in the eye? Well the answer may lie in the fact that we are scared when looking that we will instantly see disapproval for our glances and will be rejected. Being rejected affects our self-confidence levels so by not looking we protect ourselves.
We can glance from afar, even stare and appreciate, as long as they are not looking back. We can check out legs, hair, breasts, chest, ass, anything we can see, but we will then store that image instantly so that we can appreciate without getting caught. The instant the look back, we look away, and allow any form of appreciation in return. This leads to the glancing and return-glances scenario that forms the basic ritual of demonstrating interest.
Usually, one person , let's say in a bar, sees someone they like and will check them out. Eye contact is made for the briefest instant and is followed by looking away. Glances will be made in either direction until eventually, if the feeling in both parties is mutual, the gaze will be held longer and this is then followed by a courtesy smile. Now, at this stage, approval being made via eye contact, it is time to do something about it. But in most cases, nothing happens. Why? Because the fear factor sets in and the man (usually the man) is put off by making a proper approach because she is in a group. A confident man will return the gaze and then move in.
The problem arises, that a man believes he has mistaken the glances and eye contact as accidental and will make mental excuses for this and then not make an approach. And the moment is lost. She may look at you once again as she moves on to another destination with friends. But unless you meet again in different circumstances you have lost because you showed yourself as having no wish to move in. Consequently you come across as a timid person. Fail.
So, men and women need to start knowing how to look at others and then know how to interpret eye contact correctly. First of all you need to begin by looking people in the eye and get used to it. Its no good looking oat the ground and then follow up with sly glances when they are not looking. Look at people and learn to smile at them. You may only be making new friends but who cares, get used to looking and being looked at. Being shy is not the way to a persons heart. Think of the expression "love at first sight" It's never going to happen if you don't get caught looking. As a man, should you look at a woman's breasts and get caught. Sure you should. Don't make it excessive, but if someone looks good, its nice to be appreciated, even if its just momentary and fleeting.
An old friend once told me that she found it difficult to look at men now she was single because an ex boyfriend had been so possessive that she had always looked at the ground when they were out. It took her years to learn to make eye contact with strangers again. So I can appreciate difficulties with eye contact. Shyness is another debilitating factor. Many of us are shy by degrees and making eye contact isn't always easy but we should start practicing. Many are the people who had admirers but never knew it, simply because they never looked.
Another strange phenomenon is the common anxiety in people that when people look at them, they think it is an aggressive stance, not a friendly introduction. Men are often accused at staring at each other followed by the aggressive opener "what are you looking at !" Men with low self-esteem can view women in a similar vein by thinking that if a woman is looking at them, there must be something wrong. Women can feel insecure in the same way by men making eye contact with them.
A very interesting scenario occurred in the summer of 1996 when I was in a bar in Manchester, England and a gay friend of mine could instantly tell me which of the barmen were gay. I wanted to know the secret. Well he said that if you meet a girl you like, you will hold her gaze for a second or two longer than if you were talking to a man. As gay men were looking at you in the same way you look at a woman, he said, then the gay barman will look at you in a similar way by holding your gaze. I have tried this many times since to prove his point and it really does appear to work. What we learn from this is that eye contact is the way to instant attraction indication.
Then of course we have the physiological aspects to eye contact. Pupil dilation and the following of the eyes. On a date which is going well watch the eyes of your date carefully. If she or he is attracted to you, their eyes will dilate (get bigger) and they will hold your gaze as long as possible. But in the instant attraction scenario with a stranger across a crowded room, remember that the quick occasional glances will indicate initial interest so act upon it.
In summary, get used to looking at people and make deliberate eye contact with people you like. Try it in a shop, store or anywhere where you meet strangers. Try and hold the gaze of someone with a nice smile and watch the reaction. You will be surprised. I keep coming back to the same key ingredient in dating. Confidence. Eye contact means confidence and the more you practise, the better you will get. Finally, always remember that not everyone you meet will be attracted to you, so expect some glances never to be returned. Making eye contact is fun.
9.29.2007
Making Eye Contact
How To Date Online
Internet online dating takes patience and practice and it's not always for the faint hearted. Just because you are seated at your own computer doesn't mean that people will come to chat with you for no reason. No even in this medium of Internet dating, you must take the initiative and actively seek to contact those you like whilst ignoring those you do not. Many tens of thousands of people worldwide enter Internet dating sites everyday of the year, some are serious, some are not. Some want marriage, some seek sex, others simply wish for companionship. When accessing online dating, it is your task not only to represent yourself in the best possible light but also to speak to those who are of interest and discourage those who are not.
When using dating services you must learn to take responsibility for your actions, reply to messages, send well constructed opening greetings to people you are attracted to and get the most for your money. Yes money, because the professional dating sites are not free. That is not quite true, some Internet dating agency sites are free, but they tend not be of the same quality as a professional ecommerce Internet dating agency. No, an Internet dating agency charges for a reason. Firstly it discourages the fly-by-nights and those who seek only to surf and be curious. Secondly online dating sites are expensive to run proficiently and therefore a premium rate membership is charged to allow for premium services for communication such as onsite email, instant messaging, chat rooms, articles and assistance. In other words, you get what you pay for, and that means instant access and sophisticated means of contacting other singles.
Who are the most successful people who date online? Well, it depends on your view of success. If you mean who are the most popular, the busiest, those with the fullest diaries, even those who go on the most dates, well that's easy. They are the people who are kind and polite to everyone, always chatting, have a good friends' list, they frequently use email and messaging, they access the chat rooms and call their voicemail to get to know people. In other words they are busy and confident and willing to use all the dating means of communication at their disposal on LoveBrowser. If you are shy and inexperienced it doesn't matter because we are here to help you.
If you want to get the best from your dating services membership, try to present the right image, get people to interact with you by chatting daily, and become popular online by being friendly.
These basics may help you on one of the best ways of meeting people there is:
• Obvious one - complete your profile fully. No, not partially! Fully! And accurately! There is nothing worse for a browsing member using dating services than spending their quality time opening your profile only to find your profile is full of Ask Me statements. Okay, it's cool that you may wish to discuss everything one-to-one and disclose nothing in advance, but you have to attract someone in the first place! Our members want to read about you! Today! You can start being enigmatic later. So let's start by providing something to chat about --- you! Would you go into a bar with a bag over your head? Exactly. Well an incomplete profile is a very similar start. So ....Be informative, be complete, be thorough, be of interest.
• When creating your own Personals ads on a singles web site, add a photograph or two or even four! Members with photos are likely to get up to 9 times more replies than members without any photo image attached to their profile. Why? Because people like to know who they are dealing with, especially when viewing Personals, and especially when they have already displayed their photo to you. People feel confident with, and possible attraction to, someone who is willing to show their face. After all, it's nice to know what your future partner looks like, right?! Okay, I know we aren't all photogenic models, but believe me; any photo is far better than none at all. Browsing Personals is much more fun when viewing photos too.
• Now here is good dating advice. Add a nice photo. A photo of you. A smiling photo. A smiling photo up close. A recent smiling photo up close! Make sure your photos are recent (preferably less than 6 months old) and that you are happy. If they are not fairly recent then okay if you look the same. However if you have altered and you post old photos then you may be not only fooling others but also yourself. Sometimes people think that using an old photo when Internet dating won't matter because in the end its personality that counts. That is true, but once again its not generally about looks, its about honesty.
• When using a singles web site, don't be aggressive or rude in your Internet dating profile. Take some good dating advice. It may be your sense of humor to be sarcastic or cutting, but it doesn't always come across best in anonymous text. Biting hammer in the first instance will not usually attract the desired attention, even if it's meant to be amusing. That comes once you are chatting.
• You may have had a bad time with a previous partner, but making a list of specific criteria a future partner must meet usually has the effect of making people look elsewhere. Even if these available singles match! We all seek Mr. Right and Miss Right, but turning dating into a job interview for singles everywhere removes every ounce of romance and passion from the occasion. Lets have fun guys and not trade resumes! If you are searching for Mar Right, girls, then make sure you present yourself as their Miss Right. Mr. Right out there, are you listening...the same applies to you!
• If you wish to use swear words on a singles web site, then save them! The best dating advice I can give is - please don't use them here in your profile or conversations and emails. They are generally offensive and really do turn people off.
• When Internet dating, make your profile truthful above all things, but emphasize your best characteristics. Admitting that you are a loner who has no friends will not win you new friends usually. But emphasizing that you are a true individual with unique genuine properties, will.
• Don't manufacture the truth as this is one of the worst things about the reputation of Internet daters and Internet dating. We pride ourselves on having very honest genuine members who are keen to date and find their perfect partner. The key thing about the truth is that it always reveals itself in the end. So, even though you may think that not being entirely accurate about perhaps a small detail isn't too important (status or age or height or weight for example), the fact is that once the truth is revealed, generally your potential Mar Right or Miss Right WILL run away. Small things shouldn't matter and often don't, but misleading someone does!
• If you really feel passionate about something say so, don't try and hide the things that are important to you. If you love partying say so, if your religion is important to you, say so. Don't suppress or hide things that are part of who you are. Stand tall and proud. Singles dating online, and people in general even, often make the error of trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. Pretending is a fool's game and it won't work. On LoveBrowser - Be yourself.
• Chat to as many people as possible via online dating sites and dating services like LoveBrowser.com, using every method we offer, but also try to be realistic about time and commitment.. We have provided you with some amazing methods to communicate with, so give them a go. Frequently. A few emails once a quarter will not probably bring you life long happiness, though there is a chance. Like all things in life - the more you put in using Internet dating services, the more successful you will be.
• Do not pretend that you are willing to fly half way round the world to meet someone you have been chatting to when using online dating sites if you are not really serious. It's not fair on anyone including you. It's easy to get carried away with a lovely person seven thousand miles away, but are you really going to get out of that chair and go and meet them? If you are, you have our utmost support and respect. If you are really only looking for some one in your state or close to home then stick with that and make it clear.
• If available, use secure voicemail services to hear what single men and single women sound like. The sound of a voice is a powerful and very real experience. Perhaps try leaving someone a message. It's a good way of introducing yourself. But do plan your message in advance. Mumbling and stuttering down the phone with an unplanned message will not present a confident opening impression.
• Do use the Internet dating chat rooms to gain confidence, as they are totally anonymous and full of single women and single men like you. You can chat as part of a group, and when you feel some desire and interest or you simply feel more confident, try chatting to a person privately or one-to-one. Afterwards, why not email and send a message to introduce yourself more fully. All perfect relationships have to begin somewhere.
• Make use of your very own Internet dating friends' list, its there for you to build yourself your own special community of single men and single women you like; people you get on with, and people you can build a trusting friendship. And maybe more.
• Always try and reply to people's messages and reply in a reasonable amount of time, not weeks later. If you are serious about dating, you are serious about replying. They have taken the time to talk or write to you and they may be really nice. You cannot always tell from a few sentences or a grainy photo. Then again, maybe you can! But you can't always tell a great deal from a photograph so try not to appear rude. You may not be the perfect match, but they could introduce you to someone who is!
• Be patient, it takes time to find someone special when using online dating sites and dating services, like anywhere else for that matter. Using an Internet dating agency requires practise and commitment like anything else worth doing. After all, it's just that one special person that you wish to meet. Sometimes you need to chat to quite a few people first via a good Internet dating agency. Unfortunately, that’s the world we live in. Take your time to complete your Internet dating agency profile, take your time to chat with many different people using different kinds of dating services available, and take your time to get to know someone well. Socialize and chat frequently and soon enough we truly believe you will be pleasantly surprised.
Tips on Choosing the Right Person from the Dating Scene
Okay, so you date people hoping that one of these days you will come across the right person, the one you will make the greatest romantic connection with. But does it feel like you are going nowhere and believe that you just have no luck with meeting the right people? Feel like you are lost and doomed in this whole dating business? Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
The reality of this situation is that luck has nothing to do with it. If you are like many people, you are probably dating blindfolded, without even realizing that you are doing so. If you feel unsuccessful and dissatisfied with your dating patterns, then it is time for you to take a few steps back to see where things went wrong for you. Think you have been doing everything right? Think again! If you look back, you will be surprised to learn that you got so caught up in just the whole dating experience, that you forgot what to look out for and neglected your true needs and desires. What are you really looking for in a lover? What are your needs and desires? What qualities are important for a person to have and what other qualities are you willing to compromise with and accept?
Getting back in touch with what you are really looking for will help prevent you from staying in the dating scene forever. It is essential that you observe your actions and decisions, making sure that you do not continue to date certain people in the name of dating. If you find that you are not sharing the connection you crave with a person, then you must discontinue with dating that person. Sure, you will feel bad for hurting that persons feelings, but what you must remember is that there is nothing too personal or emotional between the two of you anyway, so just throw that excuse out- and just break it off, in a polite manner of course! This is where so many get stuck, mistaking casual trial dates, with a personal and emotional relationship. This may sound too businesslike for your taste, but this is the way it goes in the real world of dating. If you spend your time trying to spare people hurt or disappointment, then you have been doing it all wrong. This does not mean that you have to be harsh and rude, but it does mean that you have to make finding the right person a first and high priority for, not worrying about what other people with think of you.
Which moves us to the next essential point in dating. While it is normal that you fix yourself up to make a great impression on your date, it is not the most important thing that you should focus on. In fact, so many dating singles out there worry so much about what their date will think, that they totally forgot the purpose of the date- to find out whether or not they will find the connection they are seeking. No matter how you fix yourself and what manners or personality you put on, you will never be in control of what your date will think or feel about the date, so set that unnecessary stress aside. Instead, shift your focus about what you will think about him or her. Observe everything about them. Do YOU like their appearance? Does their personality appeal to YOU? Do YOU feel that you are making a good connection? As you can see, it is what you think that is important here, because you are the one looking for the right person, as well as certain qualities. Leave what they think, up to them!
The fear of being single forever can cloud your good judgment, causing you to continue seeing a person who you know you are not entirely satisfied with. You will do this because you will try to convince yourself that maybe you have been too picky and being with anybody, even if you are not crazy about him or her, is better than nobody. Stop lying to yourself! You do not have to get stuck with someone you are not entirely happy with, nor do you have to be single forever. Being honest and up front from the beginning is what will get you where you want to be and whom you want to be with. Do not worry that you may scare off someone by telling him or her exactly what expectations you have and how serious of a relationship you are looking for. Look at this way, if they get scared that quickly, then it is a sign that they were not looking for the same thing as you are, so it saves you time and you can then move on to dating someone else.
As long as you get real with yourself, stop making excuses, know what your really want, stick to it and make it clear to the people that you date, then you will be safe from too many mixed messages, misunderstandings and frustrations. When you treat your goal of meeting the right person seriously and important, then you will stay motivated to find him or her, and when you do- you will finally be able to begin the kind of relationship that you have always longed for, needed and deserve.
How to Always Get What You Want
Ever watched a friend scarf down a loaf of garlic bread in her sweats and still look alluring? Then you know that seduction is a whole lot more than being primped and perfumed in a killer pair of pumps. Sexy isn't a look; it's a state of mind. Women who live by that mantra can charm even the most cynical of audiences--and you're about to become one of them! Find out how to bring out your own natural magnetism and have the world at your feet.
Read More..Dating Rules - Don'ts
1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.
2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.
3. For men, never ever be late for a date, even if you have a very good reason. Women should never be kept waiting and should never have to seat themselves - ever.
4. Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true. If this is your perfect match for God's sake do not allow it to be ruined by some silly lie told early on.
5. Never be too available. Being available every night of the week and at the end of every whimsical phone call or possible rendezvous means you are making yourself uninteresting and a possible doormat. Be busy, be unavailable generally and be interesting.
6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the start. People love enigma and mystery. Revealing to your new date your inner most secrets on date number two will quickly ruin everything. A small bit at a time people.
7. Never check other people out when you are with your date. You may think you are subtle , your date will be heading for the door. Have the courtesy of concentrating solely on your date when you are with them.
8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.
9. Don't ignore your personal safety when dating. Have a cellular phone and keep it charged, tell your friends where you are going and be safe. Date at first in well known public places and never ever be pushed into anything you are not happy with.
10. Don't give out personal information like home phone numbers and addresses on a first date. Keep them until you are sure of your date and the future possibilities.
11. Don't have sex on a first date if you ever want to see your new date again. If you like them and are interested in them, sex on a first date will usually ruin everything. Its too much too soon and is not the way of romance. Believe me I am 100% certain on this.
12. Never date a married person. They will not leave their husbands or wives for you (except exceptionally rarely). Married dating is the sure fire way to misery, lies, deceit, lack of self respect and loss of romance. If you are married, separate first. If you are single, don't be a shoulder to cry on, you deserve far better.
Dating Rules - Do's
1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates
2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.
3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.
4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.
5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.
6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.
7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.
8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.
9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.
10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.
9.25.2007
How to write an online dating profile
Make sure you stand out from the crowd!
Take your time
Take your time writing your profile. Make notes about your personality, and jot down your positive attributes, interests, likes, dislikes, before you start to write something out properly.
Choosing a username
Your username is the first thing people see about you, so if you're stuck for choosing a username, think about your interests, where you live or who you are. If you like cycling, try keencyclist. If that's taken then you could add your location, NYCkeencyclist, or maybe keen-cyclist, keencyclist2005, etc.
Photo Personals
Include a recent photo of yourself. Personal ads accompanied by a photo, will attract more than five times the number of replies!
Avoid acronyms and abbreviations
Acronyms and abbreviations are OK in newspaper ads where line space is at a premium. Online, however, you're not restricted. So avoid things like GSOH, SWF, DWM, etc. Why confuse people? If you do have a GSOH (good sense of humour) it would be better to show that in your profile.
Catch line
That all important catch line can be tricky to write. If you are having a problem coming up with a something why not take a clue from music, poetry or literature? A lyric snippet may express just what you want. But do also check out other member's profiles as well, and see what they use for catch lines.
Update Profile Regularly
Keep your profile up to date. Keep changing it a little. Many sites will state when your profile was last updated and allow members to search those by most recently updated. Other members will be more likely to look at your profile.
Check your spelling
Do check spelling before you post your profile!
Avoid negativity
Cannot be said enough! Emphasize the positive things about yourself in your profile.
Be honest
There's little point in writing about the person you'd like to be. Sooner or later, your potential partner will figure out there's something wrong.
Men and Women
For Men: Avoid stating what type of person you want. Instead describe the kind of person you are, and let those reading your profile decide if they're compatible.
For Women: It's ok to state the type of person you want to meet, because there are more men searching for women! Having said that, remember your chances of meeting someone wonderful increase if your criteria are not too restrictive!
For Both: Don't have a list of characteristics that your potential partner must have, rather have a list of those that they should not have. Selection this way round will increase the number of potential partners but without the red flags!
9.23.2007
A Quick Start Guide for the very busy!
Get prepared before you start your online dating quest. Here's some dating tips to get you started born from hard earned experience:
Get some recent pictures of yourself. One close-up and another of your whole self.
Get an email address specifically for your online dating search, and make sure to keep your private and business email addresses to yourself.
Think up a couple of cool screen names, and remember to take a look at what other people are using to identify themselves.
Install an Instant Messenger Program - ideally both AOL/Netscape and Yahoo.
Decide which online dating site you're going to use.
Start writing a profile. It's better to go into a dating site having decided what you want to say about yourself.
Get a microphone for your computer. Most good Instant Messenger programs allow you to chat via your computer, rather than your phone.
9.22.2007
First Date Advice
Online dating may be popular way to find someone special, but you still need to apply some safety precautions when you arrange to meet for your first date.
Precautions
Always agree to meet somewhere public, and at a time of day when there are a good number of people around. Always tell a close friend or family member when and where you are meeting. Take a cell phone, and make sure you know the route home. Don't get stranded. Don't miss the last train.
Location
So you've clicked with someone online, and have now decided to meet. But where? The choice will always be a personal one, but you should at least ensure you meet somewhere public and as mentioned above, always meet somewhere busy. Of course, you'll want to actually hear each other, so avoid noisy nightclubs that don't have a quiet area! A good restaurant is a great choice! But be sure not to try something too unusual - unless of course you know you're both into the unusual!
What to wear
First impressions always count. Choose something both smart and comfortable.
What to say
Avoid talking entirely about yourself and do show an interest in your potential partner; for example, compliment their outfit, hair, jewelry. Compliments like these are a gentle way of saying you're attracted to that person. Avoid controversial subjects to start, at least until you get to know each other. It's true to say most of us like to talk about ourselves, but remember to be a good listener!
Open the conversation with something light: Almost everybody likes movies, music and good food!
9.17.2007
General Dating Rules
* Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
* Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
* Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.
* Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
* Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
* Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
* Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
* Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.
* Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
* If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
* Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
* Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
* Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to.
* Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.
* Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking
* If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
* If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him
* Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
* Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.
* If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
* You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.
* If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
* Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.
Internet Dating More Successful than Thought
Internet dating is proving a much more successful way to find long-term romance and friendship for thousands of people than was previously thought, new research shows.
A new study of online dating site members has found that when couples who had built up a significant relationship by e-mailing or chatting online met for the first time, 94 per cent went on to see each other again.
Perhaps surprisingly, the study, by Dr Jeff Gavin, of the University of Bath, also found that men were more emotionally dependent on their ‘e-partners’ than women, and more committed to the relationship.
Old-fashioned romance isn’t dead, however: among the survey’s findings were that exchanging gifts was the best way to ensure commitment in the relationship.
Dr Gavin’s research comes at a time when the numbers using internet dating agencies have steadily increased: around six million Britons are now believed to have signed up.
Dr Gavin, with Dr Adrian Scott of the University of Bath and Dr Jill Duffield of the University of the West of England, carried out an online survey of 229 people, aged 18 to 65, who have used UK internet dating sites, asking them about their main relationship that they had had online. Dr Gavin’s paper will be presented to a conference next month.
The research showed that:
• 94 per cent of those surveyed saw their ‘e-partner’ again after first meeting them, and the relationships lasted for an average of at least seven months, with 18 per cent of them lasting over a year.
• men online were significantly more likely to be committed to the relationship than women and were more dependent on their ‘e-partner’.
• the more the couple engaged in simultaneous online chat before meeting rather than simply e-mailing one another, the more they were found to depend on one another emotionally and the more they understood one another.
• those who exchanged gifts before meeting had a more committed and deeper relationship.
• the more the couple talked on the telephone before they met, the deeper the relationship.
Dr Gavin, of the University’s Psychology Department, and his co-authors, found that people using the internet rarely used webcams, which allow computer users to see one another, because they preferred the greater anonymity of writing and using the telephone.
“This study shows that online dating can work for many people, leading to a successful meeting for almost everyone we surveyed,” said Dr Gavin.
“Given that the most successful relationships lasted at least seven months, and in some case over a year, it seems that these relationships have a similar level of success as ones formed in more conventional ways.
“We found that men tend to be more committed to the online relationships than women, possibly because the anonymity of writing gives them a chance to express their emotions more readily than in real life.
“We also found that people are shying away from using webcams because they feel it’s important not see their partners for some time – there is something special about text-based relationships.”
Dr Gavin believes that the reason that using the telephone and online chatting indicates a deeper relationship is that these are methods of simultaneous communication, whereas e-mails are more formal.
Of the relationships, 39 per cent were still going on at the time of the survey, and of these 24 per cent had been going for at least a year, and eight per cent for at least two years. Of the relationships that had already ended at the time of the survey, 14 per cent had lasted over a year, and four percent had lasted over two years.
New Dating Guide for Seniors
Are you over age 65, single and thinking about entering the dating world? Are you not sure what to expect? Do you want to know the secrets and shortcuts to successful dating? Then, The Senior's Guide Dating (Again): Traditional And Online may be the book you need.
How has dating changed? Am I too old to date? What are ten ways to meet people in my community? Who pays for what? Is it lust or love? Is online dating safe? These are common questions for senior’s re-entering the dating scene and The Senior's Guide Dating (Again): Traditional And Online claims to have these answers and hundreds more. The book is a large print resource book with hands-on advice and straight-talking guidance about dating for seniors.
The baby-boomer generation is now emerging as the largest growing segment of online daters. As more seniors become at ease with using the Internet, one of the top things they want to do next is find a date!
The Senior's Guide Dating (Again): Traditional And Online is available for purchase online at Amazon.com. Other books in the Senior's Guide Series include: The Senior's Guide to Easy Computing, The Senior's Guide to Digital Photography, and The Senior's Guide to eBay. Two new releases this year will include The Senior's Guide to the Internet and The Senior's Guide to End of Life Issues.
First Date Do's and Do Not's
First dates can be very nerve-racking and may leave us shy, silent and blowing our chances of getting a second date because we weren't prepared for the first one. Here are some pointers to help you get the best start and make a good impression.
THINGS TO DO
1. Be on time - The last thing you want to do is make a bad impression on your date. If you are late then your date will think that you don’t care or that he/she isn't important. Even worse, your date might not hang around for you to turn up.
2. Make your partner feel comfortable - We all feel like a bag of nerves on our first date with someone; so by making your date feel comfortable you will be able to also relax and simply enjoy yourself.
3. Be an interesting date - The worse thing you can do is turn up for a date with someone then sit there all night with nothing to say or ask! Be prepared to be interesting and to have a good conversation. Show you are interesting (and a good listener) by asking questions that help you learn interesting things about your date. Dress great. Take great care in your hygiene. Don't reveal too much about yourself, but reveal just enough to show the other person that you are interesting and different - in a good way.
4. Laugh at their jokes - Even if you have heard the joke 100 times or more (or it just isn't funny at all) laughing a long with your date will make your date feel you are interested in him/her. It will at least make your date feel more comfortable with the situation.
5. Keep the conversation alive - That dreaded silence when no one knows what to say can seem to last for a life time and will make both of you think the other is boring. Jot down a few questions you would like to ask (but don't refer to the list during your date!). Practicing for the date can make quite a bit of difference and once you have started a great conversation, the rest will just follow. Here are a few conversation starters you may want to use.
6. Take an interest in your date - Listen to your date when he/she is talking. Be interested in what your date has to say and show how interested you are by asking questions about what your date is talking about. For example, if your date says he/she likes to travel then ask him/her what the most unique place is he/she has traveled to.
7. Take your date somewhere unique - First dates don’t just have to be about going to the cinema or to a restaurant for a nice meal. You will make a longer, lasting impression if you are imaginative with your date. Check out these creative date ideas and these first date ideas.
8. Be confident - Confidence says a lot about a person. Being more confident will help you get through that first date with ease.
9. Be yourself - You won’t fool anyone by pretending to be someone you are not.
10. Most importantly - STAY SAFE. Check out our pointers to dating safely.
THINGS NOT TO DO
1. Be late - First impressions count and if you are late then this will make your date think of you as lazy, having lack of initiative, or not putting an importance on the evening.
2. Talk about yourself all night - There is nothing worse then a person that loves to talk about himself or herself all the time. Be the one asking the questions!
3. Talk about past relationships - Maybe that’s how you lost the last one. Nobody wants to hear you drone on about your ex and what he or she did or didn't do. Concentrate on your date and see if you can get to the second date.
4. Eat with your mouth open - This will not only create a negative impression of you to your date, but also to other people around you.
5. Ask too many personal questions - This is your first date and your date may not want to reveal too much about himself/herself just yet. If you like each other and want to continue with the relationship then there will be plenty of time to ask more intimate questions.
6. Try to be someone you are not - It's important to be yourself as you don't want other people to settle for anything different. Trying to act like someone you are not will only backfire in the future.
7. Forget to thank them for the date - It is good manners and etiquette to thank your date for the evening. If you don't want to go on a date again, this is where you will get your chance to end it. If you do, then this is your chance to ask your date out on another date.
8. Propose marriage or kids - Unless you don’t want to see them again.
9. Pursue sex; especially after your partner has said no.
10. Get drunk - You don’t want to spend half the night in the toilet vomiting and your date won’t think much of you. You can also put yourself at risk of unwanted advances and will not be in the right frame of mind or body to do anything about it.
10 Important Dating Tips for Men
There is a saying that "you never get a second chance to make a good first impression." With that in mind, it is vital to be fully prepared to make a great impression on each date you go on. Here are 10 tips for men on dating success and making an impression that will last.
1. Take a Bath or Shower
One of the worst things you could do when going out on a date (especially if it is your first date) is to turn up unshaven, looking dirty and smelling. Women are the cleaner of the species and will partly judge you on how hygienic you are. After all, you would be appalled if she turned up for the date looking like a mutt dog with tangled fur that hadn't bathed for days.
It doesn’t cost anything to take a bath and to make an effort to look and smell nice. Remember, bad breath and body odor are an instant turn off and she will assume that this is how you are all the time even if you are just having a bad day. As a result, she won’t be able to see beyond your appearance.
2. Arrive on Time
Whatever you do, don’t turn up late. Turning up late will send out all the wrong impressions. At first she may think she's been stood up, but after arriving late her opinion will change to you being unreliable or not caring enough about her to be on time. If you are picking her up from her home then it is advisable to turn up five minute before you are due. Any earlier and you might catch her adjusting her makeup or still getting ready. Five minutes early is the earliest you should arrive. But never be late.
3. Give Her a Thoughtful Gift
A woman feels special when the man she is with gives her a thoughtful gift. What is a thoughtful gift? Well, you obvious know some things about a woman before a first date that came from phone conversations, emails, etc. Take what you know and buy her an appropriate date gift. For example, let's say that the woman really likes golf. There are companies that make chocolate golf sets - a miniature chocolate club with a chocolate tee and chocolate golf ball. This would make a great first date gift. For a generic thoughtful gift, buy a chocolate rose. That's always appropriate without being overboard.
4. Be a Gentleman
Hold the door open for her, let her walk through the doors first, pull her chair, and be polite to her along with the people around you. Women like to feel special and by treating her like a lady she will think you are fantastic.
5. Compliment Her
The first thing to say to her is you look beautiful before you even ask how she is. Keep up the compliments throughout your date, but do not go over board (3-4 for the night should be more than enough). A woman loves to be complimented, to feel beautiful and to think that you are attracted to her. The more sincere and observant your compliment, the bigger impact it will have. But remember again not to go overboard. More than four compliments may make you appear fake and not real.
6. Listen to Her and Ask Questions
Nobody wants to spend the whole night listening to someone talk about themselves. But you do have to get to know each other. Ask her questions, but more importantly listen to what she has to say. A woman is attracted to a man who is genuinely interested in hearing what she has to say. Spend a lot more time asking her questions and letting her talk than talking yourself.
7. Prepare for the Conversation
The last thing you want is to be sitting at a meal with nothing to talk about. Think about your date and what you would like to know about her. You may think that it is easy to talk and that you will not run out of questions to ask or that you will automatically have the answers but until you are in the situation, you have no idea what it will be like. Avoid talking about past relationships or other women while on the date. Keep your focus, attention, and conversation fully on her.
8. Pay for the Date
It's virtually always appropriate for a gentleman to offer to pay for the date. When a man takes it upon himself to pay for the date, he is displaying that old act of "chivalry" that is missing from many men these days. However, some women feel more comfortable going "dutch" and if she insists on this, then don't resist. To avoid awkwardness, make sure you let her know before the date that you plan on paying for it.
9. The Goodnight Kiss
Some women prefer not to kiss after a first date, while others may be disappointed if the guy doesn't even try. There is no easy answer to this question. Body language and chemistry throughout the night is key in the decision you make. If it feels right, then you may want to consider making the move. If it doesn't feel right then a friendly hug may be more appropriate.
10. I'll Call You
Only tell her that you will call her if you mean it and intend on seeing her again. Do not, under any circumstances, tell her you will call her if you are not interested and have no plans to call her. In this case, when saying goodbye, just say, "It was nice meeting you" and wish her luck. Or you could just say good night, smile and walk a way. But if you do like her and are interested, then you must let her know.
10 Ways to Break Up Graciously
Whether it's you or your partner who decides to end your relationship, it's not easy to break up. Nobody enjoys breaking up, but sometimes it has to be done. Here are 10 tips on how to break up graciously:
1. Don't drag it out.
When it is over, it's over. You're not doing your partner or yourself any favors by delaying the inevitable. Sooner is better than later.
2. Be honest.
The oldest line is "it’s me not you." Although this might be easier, the only way you can truly help your partner is by being completely honest.
3. Don't overlap.
The worst thing you can do is start seeing someone else before you tell your partner that it is over. It not only makes you look bad, but will also plant seeds of doubt in your new partner.
4. Can we be friends?
Don't expect to be friends after a break up. Even if you were friends before you became intimate, your friendship likely can never be the same again.
5. Listen.
Don’t expect to end the relationship with your partner wanting to leave it at that, especially if it has come out the blue. Your partner will want to ask questions and may even try and talk you into changing your mind. Allow your partner to have his/her say. This will give you the chance to explain in full why you want to end the relationship. Think about how you would feel if you where the one being dumped. You would want to ask questions.
6. Don't do it in a public place.
Even if you no longer like your partner, the worse thing you can do is dump him/her in a public place. It is the ultimate humiliation.
7. Write down how you feel.
Ending it face to face can be very difficult. Write a letter explaining why you want to break up. But deliver it in person, and be there to talk with your partner afterwards.
8. Don't feel guilty.
More often than not when we try to end a relationship we are made to feel guilty by the other, which makes us stay and hate the person more. If you want out, then no matter how much your partner begs ("I’ll change," "I’ve done so much for you"), stick to your decision before things get worse.
9. Don't pick a fight.
The only reason we pick a fight is to ease the guilt that we bring upon our partner when he/she thinks it is his/her fault. Get straight to the point and don’t make your partner suffer more than necessary.
10. Leave as you would like to be left.
Being dumped is a horrible thing. Try to think about how you would want to be dumped if the tables were turned. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
First Date Conversation Starters and Ideas
There is nothing worse, when meeting someone for the first time, than that awkward silence after the initial greeting. Kick the silence into orbit with these conversation starters:
» How was your day?
» You look really nice, where did you get (item in question)?
» How was work?
» Have you seen any movies recently? How did you like it/them?
» What kind of music do you listen to?
» What sports do you play or like? How long have you played for?
» What interesting things did you do this weekend (week)?
» Have you ever been to (a local restaurant)?
» What kind of foods do you like?
» Where are you from?
» Where did you go to school/college?
» Have you read any good books lately? Was it interesting?
» What do you normally do for fun?
» Do you like (an interest of yours)?
» What's the neatest place you've traveled to?
» What's one place you haven't traveled to yet that you really want to go?
These simple ideas will get the conversation flowing and you will find out what the other is interested in. Be sure to listen carefully to what the other person says so that you can ask follow-up questions while learning new things.
Meeting in Person for the First Time
After spending adequate time chatting with someone, you have finally reached a point that the two of you want to meet. After all, with online dating, this is the goal in the first place so seeing it come to fruition is exciting! Just as you took precautions when first starting out on the dating service, you now need to use a new set of precautions when meeting in person.
* Always meet in a safe, public location where there are other people around. Make sure a friend or family member knows where you are meeting, the time you are meeting, and the time you will be leaving. If you are not sure how long the meeting will take, use your cell phone to call the friend or family member when you leave so they know you are on your way home. Typically, a restaurant or coffee shop would be the best choices. If you change your plans, always let someone know.
* Never have the person pick you up in his or her car. Instead, you need to drive your own car so you have the opportunity to leave if you feel uncomfortable or things do not go as planned.
* Set up the encounter on a day and at a time when YOU are comfortable. Do not feel pushed into meeting at a precise time or place. If the other person insists that you meet where they say and when they say, then cancel the meeting altogether.
* Do not feel bad if you decide to cancel at the last minute. Too often, people from online dating services are eager to get things going, bypassing the friendship/courtship phase. Just follow your instincts and if the person is not understanding about you changing your mind or becomes angry, then you know it was not meant to be.
* If you need to fly or drive to another city or state to meet this person, make your own hotel arrangements in a reputable hotel and do not share the information. Rent a car at the airport upon arrival so you can drive yourself to the hotel and to the meeting. Do not agree to meet at the hotel lobby, as the purpose is to have a safe haven should you need it.
Dating Tips and Advice for Workaholics
When I first began Internet dating, I was a marketing director for one of Milwaukee’s largest construction firms, I went to school full-time, and I was working on publishing a book of poetry. And yet, I wondered, why hadn’t I met the right person yet? It never dawned on me that my crazy, frenetic schedule could possibly be the reason.
I approached Internet dating like another work project. Soon I was emailing and meeting new guys on a very frequent basis. Of course, I always met them somewhere convenient and quick, a coffee shop as my favorite place. I could pop in, chat for an hour (which was always my personal rule) and then be on my way. It was merely another meeting I mentally checked off my ever-growing list of to-do’s.
And sure, the occasional guy would gripe because I’d have to reschedule our dates... and reschedule... and then sometimes, cancel. But hey, I figured, if he can’t understand that I’m a busy girl with a life of my own then he wasn’t worth his salt. Right?
It wasn’t until I had met one man via email, who was slightly older than me, with kids and a business he started up and had recently expanded. He sounded smart and interesting and I was intrigued by his emails. Finally the day came when we agreed to meet. I scheduled the date on my calendar for the next week, but as the date approached I realized there was no way I’d be able to make the time and called him to cancel. He was gracious and we continued to talk on the phone, each time I was anxious to get him off the line because I figured I’d have time to get to know him once we met. We scheduled another date and I had to cancel that was as well – a last minute proposal had popped up at my desk courtesy of my unable-to-please boss.
I’m ashamed to say I rescheduled our date three more times. Then finally, finally a couple weeks later I met him right before Christmas. I had taken the day off work but was going in to “catch up” on last minute paperwork. I agreed to meet him for a quick cup of coffee on my way in.
He was handsome and funny and I liked him immediately. Then he said something that made me stop in my tracks, the needle loudly screeching off the soundtrack of my busy life.
“I just had to meet this girl who thinks she’s busier than everyone else.”
It was said in an amusing, not condescending or rude, way. No doubt my mouth hung open as I said, “Huh?”
Perhaps from his own experience, he said, “You my dear, are a workaholic.”
I tried to tell him, it wasn’t me, it was my stupid job... but he shook his head, instead challenging me to go out with him on a real date as soon as Christmas was over and then not change or cancel. He left it with me.
Try and I might, I never really found the time, and when a month had passed, I was too embarrassed to call him. I got his point, however, and wondered how many times I’d given this same runaround to other men. I saw my life in a different light, and vowed to change my ways.
As it happened, that change was made for me as I was abruptly let go from my job. I found it ironic that the job I’d given so much energy to (not to mention 60-plus hours a week) would discard me so easily. And when I looked my life I saw I had nothing left. I continued going to school, and spent some time working on my book. But there was a change in me. I took things at a slower pace.
I continued Internet dating and this time approached it with more patience. Three weeks later I went on a date with a man that was running late. He called me to let me know and instead of just canceling or rescheduling I hung out and drank my tea and relaxed while I waited. As if by fate, my original date, the one who’d claimed me the workaholic, popped in.
He laughed when he saw me, asked “how’s the busy lady today?” and when I told him I lost my job, he shook his head. I told him “I’m much different now” than when we went out and he looked at me a long moment before concluding that he believed that. He left just before my new date, Andy, showed up, and instead of my “hour and out” rule I stayed for three. We chatted, and in short, I married Andy a year later.
Would I have still met and married my husband if I’d had been the crazy workaholic girl from before? I doubt it. So for all you guys and gals that live with the die at your desk mentality, take note:
1) First Determine If You Are a Workaholic
Any kind of “aholic” works to fill an inner-need by filling it up with something else, and the first step is admitting you have a problem. If you are truly a workaholic you’re probably putting aside your friends and potential mates in favor of work. Or, have you simply fallen into a pattern of working long hours? Did you wind up with a demanding boss and equally demanding clients and can’t find enough hours in the day to satisfy them? Or are you working towards a promotion, and once you get it you’ll be able to slow down? Or maybe you just like being busy. Once you determine the root of the issue you can work to correct it. If you feel like your boss doesn’t understand maybe you’ll have to get a new job. Or maybe you just need to learn to say “no” once in a while.
2) It’s All About Priorities
I’ve heard it said that when someone tells you they are too busy to call, they are really telling you they don’t have a priority to call you. As harsh as that may seem, it rings true as we get older and our lives become busier. Maybe you really don’t need to work the hours you do, but you find it a good excuse to put off potential dates. If you don’t want to meet a particular date, do you use work as your standby excuse? Do you find that you really do have time to do certain things and not others? Sure, work emergencies come up, but you need to realize that you are in control of your life. Not your boss.
3) Make Sure Your Attention Is On Your Date When You’re With Them
Even if you have a demanding job, you’re going to have to learn to balance your work and home life. And if you don’t get this concept down, you won’t have a home life to balance. So when you are with your date, pay attention. Listen. Acknowledge things they say and respond to them. Use the time you are with them to truly get to know them, instead of thinking of what you have to do back at work. Turn off that super-busy switch in your head and relax so they can get to know the real you. When you are at the office, take time during the day to email them and let them know you are thinking of them. Call them. In short, communicate. Yes, it will take effort on your part but all relationships do. And it’s worth it.
4) Take Some Tips From Your Married Cohorts
If you’re single you’ve probably noticed that sometimes married folks have a better deal when it comes to business emergencies. If a project required working late, my married coworkers would have real, honest-to-goodness obligations – picking up their kids from daycare, have to put dinner on, etc. Inevitably I would have to work late while I watched them leave on time each day. Was it fair? The married folks would probably say yes, but consider this – is your life less important? It can be hard to tell employers no when you don’t have to pick up kids from childcare but just really need to get home and do wash. But don’t be afraid to say no. You don’t need to give an explanation, you can simply say, “I’m not available.” Your time is just as valuable as the next person’s.
5) Start Developing Your Life Outside of Work
If the majority of your friends are at work, you need to get out. (This goes double if the majority of your ex’s are people you’ve met at the office.) Spend some time engaging in your hobbies (or finding some, if you’ve really been cooped up at the office.) Hanging out with non-work folks will broaden your horizons and help you to converse about things other than work. Don’t you hate it when someone drones on and on about their job and can’t talk about anything else? You might even meet someone cute and fun that you’ll end up dating.